saturday, march 8th, 2008 - 02:22pm

since i had a lot of time to myself this past week being sick and injured, i had a bit of a black patch the other night.
i had texted michael close to midnight with suicidial idealation. (ps. it was the sickness and irrational emotions who took control - i'm sure there's a fair few who have been so consumed with illness they act like the whole world is coming to an end - this was my little episode.)
and amoungst all this, "i swear, i feel like i'm dying!" bullshit and the scattered emotions, i realised something pure, true and actually confronting.. i'm 23 years-old and my life doesn't amount to all that much. it's in fact, extremely boring!
now, as i type this i'm not sick (on the road to recovery, actually) and i'm not being irrational either. it's the truth. my life is just on auto-pilot and has been for quite sometime. some friends and even workmates could reprimand me on this one because everyday i have a new story, new chapter, new.. something in my life. but no, lately, it's been nothing but: reese gets up in the morning, gets dressed, goes to work, does her job, hits the gym, comes home, makes dinner, takes a shower and goes to bed. i don't go out and party anymore. i've revamped my circle of friends; gotten rid of some not-so-good friends but haven't really made much of an effort to make new ones. i have no love life. like, zip! nadda! nil! ZERO. the only guys i talk almost everyday is michael; love of my life and the one true love i lost, steef; a friend of a friend who has this super-duper crush on me but i would never go there because he's been with a former friend before (it's just my rule.) and one daily email from mister joseph s. greene from the middle of the ocean somewhere. any crushes.. only exist from one single glance and i never see him again (a tourist on a bus, a boyfriend/husband of some other woman or his fucking GAY), or, he walks out on me on valentine's day (ahem, cafeteria boy), or, he's some handsome face on the big screen/band (will smith, channing tatum or zack from all time low).
i spend all my free time watching tv shows (the biggest loser, so you think you can dance and amazing medical stories), watching movies, downloading music, talking on aim & msn, livejournal or myspace.
i'm usually not at home on the weekends; i'm at my mother's house driving her insane with this art project my sister and i have commited ourselves to. (my mother has a serious case of OCD and really can't stand her apartment totally laid out with newspaper.)
if i'm not at my mother's place, i'm at home, in bed, sleeping.. whilst i have a few loads of washing going on downstairs. if i'm awake, i'm doing something boring like straightening my hair.

pretty sure my life sucks.
big time!

but, you know.. although my life is boring, i actually like it like this. there's no drama, no bullshit. i have my family with me and there's always love all around me. so, i have nothing to complain about.
i have my freedom, i can come and go as i please. i have money in the bank and the means to take myself anywhere, any time. (melbourne in april and i'm working on hitting up brisvegas again.)

some things i'd like to do more of though..
1. is read more books. i own a lot of books and i have a bad habit of reading a book 3/4 of the way in and then just stop and move onto the next one. i'd like to finish the ones i started at least.

2. write. i have four different journals i've started working on, yet, never finished.

3. meet new people. since derek and michael i've met maybe 3 guys but for whatever reason, it never eventuated to a second date. i met a great guy kenneth last week. 26 from california, here on a trip with one of his friends. i went on one date with him and since then, he's called me everyday asking about another date and i've just made one excuse after another. this is a guy who is OH-SO INTO ME and i'm turning him down in flames. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

..see, not only does my life suck, i'm also a fucking moron!
yep, pretty sure i suck at life too.

eventually, my life will pick up sometime. for now, i'm down with it being on auto-pilot.